Movies

Sometimes educating yourself can be hard work with little reward. Alien Vs. Predator is where the predators from Predator fight the aliens from Alien. Which is to say dickfaces versus pussyfaces. First thing on the screen - BEEPING GREEN LETTERS! Not old school bippety boop beeping, but a kind of half windchime, half dot-matrix printer kind of noise as they pop onscreen one by one, but it still counts. It also appears that, however advanced the alien race, their whirling wireframe computer models and red numerical time-bomb countdowns closely resemble our own. I have said that I enjoy a really atrocious insult to my intelligence, but this was nothing but a rude gesture. Every scene and every bit of dialog is a cliche set-piece: here is where we do this bit of business, here is where we establish this person's character. It's a mouse skeleton of concept wrapped in a whale's blubber of cliche drivel, driven by a soundtrack that drives a hammer of trite derivation into your skull every few seconds. Then for some stupid reason I thought I would go from the "THE END????" finale of this piece of lame-assed crap to its sequel which I knew would probably suck even more, but I couldn't have imagined how much it actually did suck. The half-alien half-predator created so idiotically at the end of the other movie becomes a sewer monster in the middle of a suburban soap opera in Gunnison Colorado. Not the redneck mountain town I remember, but some kind of upscale multi-ethnic suburban soap opera fantasy that was so lame and stupid it wasn't worth wading through a full twenty minutes of the pukey filler to see if anything interesting ever happened to equal the constant garbage-can pounding that was supposed to make it seem like something scary or exciting might one day occur. Alien versus predator, YOU SUCK. 1/10